Dream Life
Today I realised that I am living the dream life. Well, at least to me 4 years in the past. A lot is different from what I imagined but if you told about it to Kartikay in 2020 he would be really happy and excited.
I have always felt this uneasiness, this need to improve. My mom said it best once "At the start of summer vacation he would watch cartoons all day for like 2-3 days, get frustrated with himself, and start doing something he finds meaningful."
It is still true to this day. I always feel this need to improve. In some phases of my life, this has become toxic. The constant need to improve and not being satisfied takes a mental toll. But there is a balance that I have been able to keep now(mostly). It is satisfaction and dissatisfaction. Two diagonally opposite feelings in my head at the same time.
The sense of dissatisfaction is always there. Like an itch. Pushing me to move ahead. I try to not let it get worse than that. Keeping it in check by just doing(best thing ever). Momentum and doing is the only thing that scratches that itch.
Satisfaction is something I find myself working constantly on. Celebrating small wins. Practicing gratitude. Even this realisation that I am living the dream life of the past me.
So it is like marching ahead to scratch that itch of dissatisfaction with meaningful satisfactory pauses. Sometimes things do go off rails. Happening much less as I have grown older and realised my bullshit better. Also, I know what works and what doesn't work for me better. A result of constant years of experimentation on myself.
Even the guy I was 1 year back feels naive and stupid to me now. And I am sure the same would be true for me 1 year in the future. There is something beautiful about it. It is a sign of growth. I wonder what the curve is like. I am in my 20s and the curve feels exponential, so many new experiences, even the brain is not fully formed till 25. But I could just be on the exponential part of a sigmoid curve.
The adults around me don't change as much. The rate of growth slows down. Is it because there is only so much room to grow or their own choices in not engaging with new experiences at the same level? I wonder what my curve will end up being.
What if it is a simulation and at my time of death I see stats? One of the stats could be the growth trajectory of my life. That seems like a very cool metric. Growth is measured by how you feel you changed. Queried at various points in your life. Not some external metrics like money or fame. So it is a sort of intrinsic personal growth. I want that curve to be exponential.
So cheers to exponential curves(coolest curves) and living the dream life!